Category Archives: Humor

Christmas, Humor, Inspire

My Christmas Simplification Experiment

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This past year, I’ve come to appreciate simplifying my life. Hubs and I have been operating on a smaller scale, financially, due to me taking my “Gap Year”, which has led me to forgo non-essential purchases I would have otherwise made. We’ve been more frugal when it comes to spending our “disposable” income by eating out much less frequently and taking advantage of any and all opportunities to save money (ex: Target red card: 5% off all purchases) on things we regularly purchase.

Bottom line: a benefit of my “Gap Year” is an increased mindfulness of how we spend our money. This is a good thing. Now, not only are we in a better position to start saving for important things like travel and eventually a plumb spot of land on a smallish but beautiful lake in Minnesota or Wisconsin where we will build our dream cabin, but we have much less stuff to care for and stress about. And now that I am gainfully employed I think it behooves us to continue our frugal ways.

That brings me to Christmas. In years past, I have spent as my mother would say a “pretty penny” not only on gifts, but also on ingredients to make a wide variety of Christmas cookies which I send to friends and family near and far. And the shipping costs for said cookies and gifts is nothing to sneeze at either.

This Christmas is going to be different. Though the cookie baking and shipping is still happening, because, well, I truly enjoy the process. One of my happiest of happy places is in the kitchen, baking and cooking my heart out with a variety of holiday and non-holiday tunes cranked up on my Bluetooth speaker. And the joy these treats brings to the recipients is so worth it. 

What’s going to be different this year is the gift-giving part of it all. I’ve come to the realization that the stress I put on myself not to mention the costs to purchase (whether on line or in actual stores) and ship just the right gift for each and every one of my lovely family members is simply no longer worth it.

I know, Bah-humbug, right? Rhonda has officially become the Grinch!

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Not so fast. I’ve decided that everyone-with perhaps 3 small exceptions-is getting gift cards. 

One could say that gift cards are impersonal. However, I have a different take on it. Every Christmas since like forever, my mom gives me a gift card to Victoria’s Secret (along with other actual gifts). I look forward to this particular gift every year, as this is a store I love but very infrequently shop at as I feel it’s overpriced and generally I am perfectly happy purchasing needed underthings on sale at Kohl’s thankyouverymuch. However, it’s such a treat to waltz into Victoria’s Secret, gift card in hand, with the ability to purchase at least one lovely thing or two with zero guilt.

You see, with gift cards, you are gifting your loved ones with both an experience and an actual thing. The opportunity to take yourself out to a restaurant or a store where you can not only obtain something you truly want, but also experience the joy of not paying for it with your own hard earned money, I think may trump the “thing” a gift-giver would have purchased that may or may not fit or may or may not have a good spot to place in your home, or may or may not be an item you would regularly use and enjoy.

So, delicious cookies and gift cards it is. I’m calling it my Christmas Simplification Experiment.  Please share your comments with me, as I am open to other ideas on how to simplify the holiday season this year!

Home Decor, Humor, Laughter, Sarcasm

Silly signs on Saturday

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Nowadays, home decor is all about the signs. Signs with pithy inspirational quotes. Signs with family names on them. Signs expressing the homeowner’s faith.  I think oftentimes signs as home decor are overdone.  It seems to me that the more signs one has on their walls, the less meaning they have. So I keep mine to a minimum for that reason.

This one is probably my favorite:

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Hanging in my kitchen to amuse one and all

A foray into Google images for signs led me to some more amusing and in some cases, disturbing signs.

Like this one:

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So many questions here….walruses can jump? And exactly how does one determine the sexual orientation of a walrus? And what does the walrus’s sexual orientation have to do with the fact that it might jump up and drag you under the water to be feasted on by a gaggle of hangry walruses?

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Um, no thanks Hardee’s.

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This is the sign that I will hang in our future cabin. I find it to be quite motivational.

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This would make me shake in my boots for sure (not)…but I’m also super curious about what is behind this door. I doubt I’d be able to resist the temptation to exit through that particular door.

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TMI dudes…and you should really get that checked out!images (64)

Apparently, beans and cabbage are on the menu in this joint.

 

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Good advice, peeps!

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Thank you, Captain Obvious.

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Let’s hope to God that this isn’t the only dentist in town.

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I took a picture of this sign on a trip with Hubs to Florida, because I thought it was hilariously awesome. I’d really like to know how one qualifies a a “fancy woman”. And exactly who decides who is a “fancy woman” anyhow? Cap’n Crunch?!

Happy Saturday folks!

 

Empty Nesting, Grandparenting, Halloween, Humor, Parenthood

Halloween: Past and Present

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Long gone are the days when my friends and I would gleefully skip/run through our small Minnesota town on a chilly Halloween evening, unencumbered by parents, fueled by sugar with the promise of  more to come.

Also gone are the days in which Hubs and I would guide our spawn in choosing the perfect costumes at our local Goodwill store and hide all the candy we bought perhaps much too early (in my defense, as the chief candy buyer in the household, I didn’t want to wait too late and end up having the lame choice between those awful peanut butter kiss taffy things or a bag of apples). I was simply not willing to tarnish my reputation as the bestest chocolate giver-outer of our neighborhood. 

Now my reality is I have a 3 year old grandson in Wisconsin who, depending on the day, either wishes to be a “Doctor Fish” or have 5 different Halloween costumes. I sincerely wish my daughter the best of luck with this.

Times, as they say, have changed. Now parents escort their youngins from house to house in their neighborhoods though the especially smart ones take their costumed kiddos to the “better” neighborhoods to ensure the highest quality and quantity of candy possible. But as merely a middle aged, empty nester observer, it appears to me that a large chunk of parents these days choose instead to cart their kids to the nearest mall, church, or grocery store not on Halloween, but the Saturday before because it is simpler. More convenient. 

I must say that I think that’s a little sad. Don’t you?

I do get it though. Times are different now. Thanks to the inundation of horrifying news stories about unimaginable harm being inflicted upon children these days, we are all more skeptical about engaging with strangers. On top of that, parents of little ones are often working their tails off to pay the bills while simultaneously doing their best to ensure their kids are not only safe but also participating in activities that will give them the most well rounded childhood experiences possible.

That said, it is completely understandable that creating the perfect Halloween experience for one’s offspring is not necessarily at the top of present day parents priority lists. But it is still a bit of a bummer, isn’t it?

So in honor of those good ‘ol days when we knew and trusted our neighbors enough to  enter their homes and accept their sugary offerings on that one magical night of the year, and our moms had time and energy (because we were all playing outside after school instead of being shuttled to and fro-to dance lessons, piano practice, soccer games and the like) to make our Halloween costumes, I present to you pictures from Halloween’s past.

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Pic on left is with my parents when I was 2,  pic on right at 3 in my homemade witch costume. Thanks Mom!
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Spawn-circa 2003?
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Spawn-circa 2005?
Blogging, Careers, Creative Writing, Employment, Humor, Inspire, Time

Time is my Frenemy

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Time.

Full disclosure: I’ve become really good at wasting it.  Like getting myself sucked into what others are doing or trying to sell on Facebook. Like watching too much t.v. I seem to be battling time every day on some level, which stresses me out. There’s just so darn much I want to do with my time that I end up sabotaging myself with my own indecisiveness.

In the scheme of things, however, time is kind of on my side, as the Rolling Stones tell me. As anyone who has been following my blog knows, I continue to be a free agent. As in, not participating in paid employment of any kind.

I truly have nothing to legitimately complain about here. 

That said, I am 50.  While I generally don’t feel my age, physically, but especially mentally, there it is. I am most certainly not a spring chicken. However, if I live to be 80, I’ve still lived more than half of my life at this point in time.  On the up side (and you know I’m all about the up side), I’ve got 30 hopefully healthy more years to go. I can still have big plans. A new career, even. I could go to clown college. I could become a professional bartender. I could become a teacher. Life, aka the universe,  will no doubt intervene to provide me with unexpected curveballs. Because the universe excels at this. I like to believe that when this happens,  I will adjust my sails, conquer the obstacles, and re-negotiate the steps I’m taking to get to wherever it is I am going.

The below image could very well fall into the category of  “When we make plans, God laughs”. So be it. I’m going to latch onto it nonetheless, because it is, ultimately, a positive affirmation that serves as a reminder to me that I am indeed in charge of my life, and my daily schedule. It’s all about making thoughtful, responsible, and wise choices every single day about what I spend my time on. Essentially, making friends with time. And being willing and able to use whatever self-piloting skills I have developed in this life to get through the turbulence.

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Blogging, Colorado living, Craft Beer, Humor

Morphing into a Coloradoan

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While half of my heart resides in my birth state of Minnesota and the other half resides in my adopted state of Wisconsin, I’m starting to feel more than a teensy bit “Coloradoan”. Hubs and I have now lived here more than a year, so it should come as no surprise that I’m feeling this way.

One of my impressions of those native to this state is that they look upon those of us non-natives with skepticism. Even sometimes with scorn. I get this as there has been a huge influx of transplants from other states moving to Colorado in recent years. The natives no doubt feel possessive of their beautiful, natural environment here. And they don’t want “posers” coming in to wreak havoc on their territory.

That said, and at the risk of coming off like a “poser”, I do believe that there are a number of  pieces of evidence that indicate I have indeed begun morphing into a Coloradoan.

Let’s start with Exhibit A:

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Check out the upper middle on plant on left side-a small, ripening tomato!

To prevent certain death from the frost that will undoubtedly come at some point this fall, Hubs aka the garden whisperer recently brought our pepper, basil, and tomato plants inside. I am simply delighted by this. I love the aroma of the basil, and seeing these plants thriving next to our big picture window in our small dining area. Hubs commented yesterday that he noticed a dude walking outside this window, who couldn’t help but peer in when noticing this foliage. Likely he assumed, at first glance anyway, that we were growing marijuana in our home. To be crystal clear, these are not marijuana plants. But it does amuse me that they could be, since growing them in your home is indeed legal in Colorado. 

Exhibit 2:

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Check out my snazzy hiking tennies! Hubs and I shelled out bigger bucks than we probably ever collectively have, on shoes anyway, when we purchased new hiking shoes at REI this summer. Because we are quasi Coloradoans now, we were compelled to invest in proper footwear to go hiking on one of the many dedicated open space paths or in Rocky Mountain National Park, which is just over an hour away from home.

Exhibit C1:

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Enjoying a sampler at O’Dells (?) in Fort Collins

As aspiring Coloradoans, Hubs and I have embraced the craft beer culture here. We have become, as my blogger friend CJ, has recently pointed out, “beer snobs”. I prefer to be considered a “beer nerd”, mind you, like our favorite beer pub owner and operator, Dave, refers to himself. It has a legitimacy to it, like we’re scientists or something, right? Thing is, there is a special type of camaraderie that happens when one visits one of the many brew pubs and gets to talking with the owner, bartender, and/or other customers  “beer nerds” about the complexity of the hops or the balance between hops and malt of whatever brew is being sampled amongst us. Plus, visiting these folks at these watering holes provides us with much information about things to do and places to see here in this beautiful, special, state.

And to further exemplify our status as “beer nerds” we have thrice brewed own our beer at home. First batch was the best, the second notsomuch, and the third was…something. Let’s just say it’s a work in progress.

Let me leave you with just one special thing about Colorado. Denver 9News’ The Next with Kyle Clark highlights the most Colorado thing seen on a given day. It is always fun to see what they come up with. Below is a good example. Enjoy!

The Most Colorado Thing We Saw Today

Blogging, Creative Writing, Humor, Middle Age, Sarcasm

Amusing myself in AARP land

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Full disclosure: I am an overthinker. And very likely too hard on myself. I confess this today after coming to the conclusion that writing is actually hard. I had every intention yesterday of publishing a truly epic post, only to find myself completing approximately 70% of a moderately humorous and mostly lame essay.

I jazzed up one other post that I had in my draft folder as well, but it didn’t meet my standards of publishability. Yes, I may have just made up a new word. 

Of course, I just had to google the word publishability and of course it is a legit word. No matter.  I have also come to the conclusion this week that the most beneficial thing I can do to harness whatever creative writing abilities I possess, is something. As in, don’t just plop your arse down in front of the computer and force yourself to write something, anything, just so you can give yourself a high five that you continued your blog for yet another day. As it turns out, writing doesn’t work that way.

So I actually did some stuff this morning. Not a lot of stuff, mind you. But stuff, nonetheless.

I checked off one of my to-do list items. I wrote a check and filled out a form to claim my new, free duffel bag from AARP. Which means I am now officially a member of the Advanced Age Restless Party. Take that, those of you under 50! Ha!

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Oh, the irony of this sarcastic comment!

All I had to do was put a stamp on it and then send it on it’s merry way. I recalled recently locating a book of stamps I purchased at the post office in one of the zippered pouches of my trusty black Baggallini purse. I also recall thinking to myself let’s put those here where they will be handy when I need them. 

The only problem is the “here” is nowhere to be found. And of course since I’m thisclose to being a member of  the exclusive AARP club, I cannot recall for the life of me where precisely that “here” is. I’ve searched high and low-in other purses, in my small filing cabinet next to the computer desk. No stamps to be found. Not. A. One.

Those darn stamps are bound to turn up somewhere at some point in time, right? The most likely scenario, however, is that the moment I arrive home from purchasing a new book of stamps they will magically appear. Just like that belt I forgot I bought after buying the exact same one at Target last week.

So after this kerfuffle, I decided to do something else. Something challenging but entirely irrelevant and self-serving. Something to divert my attention from the reality that I have indeed lodged myself firmly into AARP land. As I said in a very recent post, one of my life goals is to be able to successfully sing all the lyrics to R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World” song. I found the lyrics on Google Play, then put this song on play on my tablet.

All I can say is that I was all kinds of happy when I got to the main chorus of “It’s the end of the world as we know it” (times 3) then “and I feel fine”. The rest of the lyrics were akin to rapidly repeating an old timey tongue twister like “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers”. But nonetheless it was highly amusing.

I guess the lesson here for me, today, despite my geriatric tendencies, though one could also conclude the lesson is that I have entirely too much time on my hands, is that I’m still young at heart. Like a 14 year old geeking out at those “amazing” music videos on MTV trapped in an occasionally audibly creaking, slightly overweight, stretch-marked, 50 year old body. And that’s okay with me, because acceptance leads to freedom.

 

Blogging, Body image, Childhood, Creative Writing, Employment, Facebook, Humor

Random Ramblings

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Just a few, unrelated and utterly irrelevant thoughts I have had recently….

I’m kind of a sucker for those sites that post decadent dessert recipes on Facebook. It infuriates me, however, when “Easy” is in the title, however. Thing is, if I’m going to make and then of course consume said dessert, it is not in my belly fat’s best interest for it to be “easy” to make. The recipe should include ingredients you have to work for, like a specific kind of berry only found on the top of the Rocky Mountains. Or honey that has to be tapped from a specific maple tree located deep in the forest. Or corn meal that you have to grind yourself.

I might want to grow my hair out and see how long it can get. This notion was inspired by seeing Megan Mullally’s beautiful hair while watching Summer of 69, the big hearted and smartly hilarious comedy show she and her husband Nick Offerman created. Also, she played the ukulele during the show so now I want to do that too.

I love Pinterest but recognize that it can be a black hole. Or like the kettle corn I can’t seem to get enough of, despite feeling sick to my stomach and hyped up at the same time. Or like when my cousin and I, as kids,  would spend hours upon hours gazing through the JC Penney Christmas catalog with calculators in hand, pretend shopping for things we wanted to buy.

Hubs recently shared that he had to “drain the lizard”. As in, he had to pee. Use the lavatory (wasn’t that weird how the bathrooms in school were called this back in the day? Such a weird, unused word today). Hubs told me this was one of his favorite euphemisms. I prefer when he tells me (seriously, even in public) that he has to “go potty”. Weird, right? But I find it endearing. It reminds me that he was once the daddy to our no longer little spawn, and our charming 3 year old grandson. The daddy and “Papa” who said/says “make sure to go potty before you get in the car” and “do you need me to take you to go potty now?”

One goal I have in life is to be able to sing through the entirety of  R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World”. While undoubtedly frenetically paced, this is a classic song, amiright?And once I’ve accomplished that goal, I should easily be able to get work as an auctioneer. Maybe I could add that to the list of possibilities for my job search.

 

Adult children, Blogging, Humor, Love, Motherhood, Tattoos

On Tattoos

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Last November, while visiting Spawn #1 in Wisconsin, she said something to me that I will never forget. It went something like this:

Spawn #1: Hey, mom…I was thinking that maybe we should get tattoos together.

Me (mouth agape): Really? You’d want to do that with me?

It was as if she had bequeathed me with a crown and a sash emblazoned with “Coolest Mom Ever”. I was gobsmacked. Honored. Dumbfounded. All at once. 

The child who gave me grief from approximately 2005 through 2012, and after whom several of my gray hairs are named, actually likes me. You’ve no idea the confidence boost this gave me.

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I have no tattoos. At least not yet. 

It’s not like I have anything against tattoos. Especially on other people. Except I think it’s a little weird to see a large tattoo on someone’s body depicting a picture of their children as babies, complete with their names and dates of birth. Or when people have tattoos on their faces. I think those are especially spooky. But that’s just my personal opinion.

Discussing the possibility of me getting matching tattoos with Spawn #1 with Hubs has been interesting. He jokingly made a comment about anti-tattoo sentiments found in the Bible. Something about “graven images”. He also stated that he’d prefer not to see the mother-daughter tattoo on me when he takes me to “Funkytown” (wink wink). I really can’t blame him for that. It could be a buzzkill. 

So that just means if we are to get matching mother-daughter tattoos, at least for me, placement is going to be key. Perhaps on my ankle. Or on the inside of my wrist. Either way, I don’t know that I can resist the honor my daughter has given me by coming up with this sweet notion.

In fact, Spawn #2 may want to join in. That would make it all the more special, right? They almost got a tattoo a few years ago, upon their 18th birthday. My in-laws were visiting from out of state. My mother in law, being the progressive, open-minded jewel of a woman she is, wanted to join us in our first foray into a tattoo shop. The “waiting room” consisted of a black leather couch and a couple of chairs with a coffee table centered in between. Their was a plethora of nudie and tattoo fetish type publications which MIL, to our amusement, peered through.

Spawn #2 was extraordinarily nervous, but determined. Part of their reasoning for getting ink that day was to prove to themselves that they had overcome their fear of needles, which had plagued them since elementary school. I was proud of them for doing this.

In the end, however, Spawn #2 chickened out. They came out of the backroom, weeping and tattoo-less. Nonetheless, I was a proud mom. I told them that it was okay, they have all the time in the world to get a tattoo. They showed bravery and determination by getting as far as they did that day. And after all, it was just a tattoo. It wasn’t like it was a shot of an antidote that was going to save their lives, for Pete’s Sake. 

So maybe 2017 is going to be the year that the women of our little family get some ink. Both Spawn #1 and #2, along with the cutest and smartest and bestest 3 year old on the planet will be coming to visit us in Colorado next month after all.

This could be perfect timing.

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Perhaps this one?
Arts and Crafts, Blogging, Colorado living, Craft Beer, Creative Writing, Home Decor, Humor

Potential Pinterest Fail Project

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I present to you the owl I was hoping to make to display on my kitchen wall. I pinned this on one of those days last summer when I obviously had too much time on my hands. I thought it was cute and kitschy, and a great way to recycle those beer bottle caps I’d been saving.

This week, when I re-discovered this pin, I decided to actually read the instructions on how to create this spectacular  work of art. However, there were no actual instructions. 

But there was a list of items and tools needed for this project, which included the following:

  • Large metal lid-All my pot and pan lids are glass. May have to purchase used one at thrift store.
  • Medium metal lid-See above
  • Small metal lid-See above again. Duh.
  • Metal washer-I think those are little circular things used for stuff around the house. Check with Hubs.
  • Metal button-I ought to be able to find one around here somewhere.
  • Dessert spoon-What the fudge is this? Who has special spoons just for eating dessert? Not this broad.
  • Metal cutters-Ummm…not sure about this one..check with Hubs.
  • Vice-Well, my vice is chocolate. Not sure how that fits into this project. But I’m willing to try and figure it out. 
  • Pliers-No dental tools in this house. Maybe Hubs can come up with something?
  • Hot glue gun and glue sticks-Now, I know for a fact I have glue sticks because I recently bought them to use on a far simpler project than this. But damned if I can find my trusty hot glue gun. Must make a run to Michael’s asap.
  • Cordless drill-Yay! Something I know we actually have in the garage.
  • Screws (optional)-I ought to be able to round a few of these up.
  • Slender tree branch (also optional)-We have plenty of trees in our neighborhood. Might need to get out the ladder to find just the right branch on the right tree though. Maybe Hubs will volunteer since I’m scared of heights?
  • Beer bottle caps-Certainly we have enough of these!

I would like my beautiful owl to look precisely like the pic I pinned. Which means I need green, silver, and white beer bottle caps. Problem is, we don’t necessarily like Heineken beer. We like craft beer, like what we find here in Colorado (though technically, Heineken is considered a craft beer, surprisingly enough). And our delicious craft beers do not all have green, silver, or white caps. Damn!

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Our beer bottle cap collection.

 

Hmmm…guess I could buy the estimated 18 cases of Heineken required and dump it down the sink. But what a waste of mediocre beer not to mention a huge waste of money. 

Maybe I could find a neighbor who regularly drinks Heineken. I know 3 of my neighbors so far. The odds are not with me on this. 

Oh, I could go and knock on all the neighbors doors, introduce myself, and ask them if they drink Heineken and if they keep all their bottle caps. I’ll explain to them my new art project and what it means to me. I’m sure they are all nice people and will help this gal out, right? 

If that doesn’t work, then I could put an ad on Craig’s list or on the Next Door neighbor app, pleading for donations of Heinekin beer caps.

This could take a while.

Blogging, Creative Writing, Happiness, Humor, Mental Health

11 things I can’t live without

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So I thought I’d have a little fun with lists again. It’s been a while. I could go with the obvious things that I truly could not exist without, like air, water, a beating, healthy heart-but where’s the fun in that?

Instead I’m going to focus on those things, excluding people, because people are not technically things. Duh.

Without any further ado…..here are the things I can’t live without I need to function in order to be the best version of myself.

#1: Coffee. Those 2 cups of strong black coffee with a generous splash of half and half,  a teaspoon (give or take) of Truvia, with a sprinkling of cinnamon on top is the fuel in my my personal gas tank.

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Me, upon waking each morning.

#2.Our personal computer. This blog wouldn’t exist without it.

#3. My DVR service. One of the best inventions in the last century, IMHO. I can tape whatever show or movie I fancy and watch it at my leisure. Fast forwarding through those pesky commercials is an added bonus.

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A portion of what I have saved on my DVR. Need to watch these asap!

#4. Zoloft. Anxiety, be gone!

#5. My heating pad. I have bursitis, primarily in my right hip. God only knows why. I turn on that puppy when I’m cozied up with Hubs watching t.v. at night. It relaxes and loosens my hip muscle and allows me to sleep comfortably in my preferred position, which is of course on my right side.

#6. Books. Since my “gap year” began, in July of 2016, I have had the blessing of time to read truly great ones. They have taught me lessons (about omens in Paulo Cohelo’s “The Alchemist”). They have entertained me, like Amy Schumer’s “Girl with the Back Tattoo”. They have delighted me, like Amy Krause Rosenthal’s “Textbook Amy Krause Rosenthal”. Even once paid employment is part of my life again, I fully intend to continue reading.

#7. My crockpot. One can make some seriously delicious meals in these with minimal effort. And the way the house smells when I’ve got honey garlic chicken (like today) in that wonderful vessel is intoxicating.

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#8. Since I’m talking about smells, I must include my love of candles. All kinds of them. Like the apple basil ones I recently got. Or the “home and heart” soy square candles that pop into pretty night-light thingamabobs (see above). Or the honeysuckle scented candle I got at World Market several months ago. I have candles lit every night whilst sitting on my heating pad.

#9. Post it notes and colorful pens. I am a writer, after all. Writing ideas randomly pop into my head when I’m not feeling motivated to haul my butt upstairs to our office to type them into a draft. And picking a fun colored pen makes me happy, like when I was in kindergarten and opened up a big box of crayons, delighting in the variety of colors I had to choose from.

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#10. My yoga mat. Ok, let me be clear-I am not (at least not yet) a yoga gal. I like using it when I’m doing my morning stretches and other floor exercises because our house has almost zero carpet and my old-ish body appreciates that little extra padding.

#11. Music. Best therapy ever. ‘Nuff said.