I am sick of the twitch in my left eye.

This annoying twitch comes about when I’m overstimulated, or when my brain is rapid-fire running through scenarios in my head where, for instance, the response I’m waiting for from someone is the most awful I can imagine. Or I’m gearing up to tell someone something I’m scared to tell them. Or when my must-be-planning-something-all-the-time-brain is in overdrive (which is often). Or when two people are talking to me at the same time.

Can anyone relate to this whatsoever?

This twitch of which I speak, I wonder: could it be related to my thus-far undiagnosed ADHD? After reflecting on my ways of being around other people ever since forever, along with recent commentary from two of my dearest family members, I’ve decided once and for alI to get the testing done. I saw my new primary care provider last month and she is referring me to another provider who does ADD/ADHD testing. For the longest time, despite suspecting I have it, I’ve had the attitude of “well, so what am I going to do with that information if I test ‘positive'”? Part of me still feels that way. In spite of that, I’m moving forward with it. Because I figure it’ll help me, whether I have ADHD or not, to understand my weirdness better. And if I do have it, perhaps I can learn tips and tricks that will help me function better in the world. Or get on meds that will chill me out.

It occurred to me recently, after not keeping a running to-do list for a week or so, that I feel so much better when I have a to-do list in progress at all times. It’s like a trick that helps to keep me on track. And it further occurred to me that the reason my to-do lists have proven so beneficial to me personally is because of my alleged ADHD.

Members of my family agree with me that my mom, Bonnie, most certainly had ADHD all her life, though she was never officially diagnosed. She was very high-energy, extraordinarily chatty, easily distracted, and was forever making to-do lists (like me). Bonnie always, always, had to have something to do. And if she was merely taking a breather between, say, ironing everyone’s clothes in our little kitchen, and baking some goodies, her fingers would be tapping out a tune on the table in front of her, or she’d be humming a song to herself.

Bonnie isn’t the only family member with ADHD either. There’s lots of examples of it throughout my family tree. There must be a hereditary component to it, right?

It stands to reason that I would fall somewhere on the ADD/ADHD spectrum. We shall see. I just need to get over the angst I feel at the thought of scheduling the appointment.

Wait, is that another clue that I have it? The angst over scheduling this (or any) appointment?

In any case, I sure hope this twitch hits the bricks soon.

Any way I slice it, I know that some mental health support will be beneficial for me in this season of my life where things feel heavier than usual and my brain feels overloaded. The song I’m sharing to cap off this week’s post does a good job of capturing where my head is at these days.