Category Archives: Anxiety

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Creative Writing, Fun, Inspiration, Life, Overthinking, Personal Growth, Self-Reflection

F is for Fun!

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Let me start this post by acknowledging that I haven’t published a single blog post since March. I inadvertently gave myself a bit of a time-out. I’ve been working things out in my head in regards to this writing-out-loud thing called blogging. As an anxious people-pleasing overthinker, I imagine this will continue until the end of time.

I started writing what follows a few weeks ago.

Fun, for me at the moment, is working through the alphabet one little-post-that-may-never-see-the-light-of-day at a time. A self-assigned creative writing exercise, inspired by the “A to Z” blogging challenge. I’m just going at my own pace like the squirtoise I am, and purposefully not overthinking. Just going with the very first word that comes into this brain of mine, starting with the letter “A”.

I am curious, blogger and writing friends, do you also create writing challenges for yourself? If so, please share them with me in the comments!

The one thing that has always compelled me to write is because I find it to be so much fun. Stringing words together that capture how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about tickles me. It’s a challenge for my brain that lights me up from the inside. And the possibility that someone out there in the universe (or blogosphere at least) might relate to the things I’m saying through my writing fuels me.

In tandem with my A-Z writing game, I’m working out (still, after 7 years of blogging) how important this blog is to me. I think I’ve been giving it more of my mental energy than is wise. When I factor in working (albeit part time), nurturing my personal relationships, taking care of our house and yard, and working on myself (remember, “Growth” is my WOTY and I’m sticking with it), blogging is not my highest priority. Not like it should ever be.

Now, this isn’t me saying “I quit!” by any means. It’s me challenging the rules I have put on myself as an amatuer writer with a blog. Examples: must I publish something every single week? If so, why? So, I may or may not publish something next week.

I leave you with a song that means a lot to me. It has spoken to me since the first time I heard it. As a 57 year-old here on planet Earth in the year 2024 who is perpetually searching for ways to bloom and grow, I find it very inspiring. I hope you do too!

Anxiety, Blogging, Climate Change, Life, Optimism, Spirituality

Pushing Out of a Blogging Funk

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I’ve been feeling funky lately, particularly when it comes to this blog. I’ve got all of these tabs open in my brain with all the things I want to accomplish and I’ve been finding it hard to sit down and focus on this blog. To just write something already.

I’m at the point where it’s likely if I don’t write something now and put it out there into the universe I’ll slink back into myself and end up abandoning this blogging venture for a good long while.

It’s not that I’m not writing anything. It’s just that I’m not writing anything that is for public consumption. Is this an example of that? Could be.

Anyway, all is well and (my) life is good and all of that. Really.

It’s just that I’m in a weird transitional sort of period of time at the moment. It’s basically been spring all winter here in Minnesconsin. The water is open in our lake. But it’s supposed to feel like winter and it doesn’t. We even saw our first robin outside our big picture window the other day. Climate change is real, folks.

There’s also other real things happening out there in the world that trouble me. Things I pray about every day, like the wars happening in the Ukraine and the Middle East. People I once knew dying. People I don’t know at all dying for no good reason. The great inequities in this country, where the uber rich are allowed to not pay their fair share while the rest of the population works their fingers to the bone to barely make ends meet. And so much more.

I assure you that I believe there is hope that good and right, democracy and justice will prevail in the end.

It’s just the “getting there” part that has me feeling anxious.

I promise that my next blog post will be more free-wheeling and upbeat, as that is how I want to keep rolling. My optimistic nature is still underneath all this “yuck”.

Anxiety, Christmas, family, Grandparenting, Holiday Traditions

The Old Christmas Card Tradition

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I’ve been stressing about the whole Christmas card situation. Every single year, I am talking at least 25 years of my adult life, I have taken the time to create a greeting card online using photos of me with Mr. None of the Above, the kids, the grandkid, and our dog. Mr. None of the Above and I usually wrangle a bit over it, as we often can’t agree on what pictures to use and how they should be positioned on the card. It’s honestly the least favorite “tradition” of Christmas for me. I really don’t want to even do it this year.

I feel guilty about that. I absolutely love receiving all the cards we get from friends and family, near and far, each year. It’s a treat to see these cards come in the mail. I love putting them up for display and then sharing stories about the people in them with friends and family that drop by. And I keep them all. I’ve got them mixed in the boxes of Christmas doo-dads in the basement. I can’t say why exactly I have kept them. I guess it’s guilt? Or my nostalgic nature?

Perhaps I could re-purpose these cards, by cutting out the pretty parts that don’t include the actual people and make a huge collage? That sounds like a lot of fun. Time-consuming, but fun, right? Maybe that’s something my grandson and I can do together.

Yes, I did just get on Pinterest and boy, oh boy, there’s a plethora of arts and crafts one can create with old Christmas cards.

I think where I’m landing with this (first world) “dilemma” is to send “Happy New Years” cards instead. It’s already 12/10 and if I tried to order Christmas cards now I’d barely get them in time to send out. I think, for now, I’ll concentrate on my other Christmas tasks, like baking cookies, finishing up the present shopping, and wrapping said presents.

Ordering “Happy New Years” cards can wait a week, maybe even two.

Now, there’s some folks on my Christmas card list who I suspect only send us a Christmas card in response to the one we send to them. Like they feel obligated to reciprocate. Mr. None of the Above and I sending out Happy New Years cards might throw them off. I wonder if they’ll just grab one of their leftover Christmas cards and send it to us in response? No shame on them, honestly. I think it’d be hilarious actually. Here it is, January 8th, and I’m getting a Christmas card from someone. Right?!

How about you, my fellow Season’s greetings card givers and/or recipients? How do you “do” this aspect of the Holiday season?

A little blast from our family’s Christmas card past:

***Header image courtesy of https://inamatchbox.com/blogs/news/41-funny-christmas-messages-to-write-in-a-card***

Adult children, Anxiety, Baking, Christmas, Humor, Joy

Christmas Cookies and Not Sweating the Small Stuff

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As I write this, it’s 1 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon and I’m in the Christmas cookie zone, relaxing to instrumental Christmas music on my Google Nest.

But here’s where my head was the Sunday before last. Call it a little peek into my “Christmas brain”, if you will:

I need to start somewhere, so I’ll start with the cookie planning:

I would like to make:

  • Spritz
  • Cherry Almond cookies from last year
  • Santa’s whiskers
  • PB Truffles
  • Snickerdoodles
  • Chocolate covered pretzel rods

And maybe another kind of two. Oh, the cherry snowballs for sure! I’ve got six days designated on our calendar to get this done.

Then there’s the decorating. I am especially psyched for this endeavor.

But my beautiful daughter is on her way to pick me up for a spontaneous shopping trip and I’m still in my bathrobe. So I gotta split for now.

Same day, just p.m.

Today was great! I enjoyed eating a hearty lunch with my first-born at Barker’s in Hudson. We had fun shopping together. I love that she’s going as the rag doll from the Land of Misfit Toys from Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, for a work photo shoot next week. But it was hard to find the “costume”. She is not worried about it though.

There’s an important difference between the two of us. Good on her. She’s not like me in this way. Had I, at her age, been given a directive to come up with such a costume for a work situation, well..I’d be freaking out. I’d probably still be out there, searching to no avail for all the right pieces to bring that damn dolly to life.

Because it would have mattered to me, then. I would have fretted about the impression I was giving my employer by coming up short on this task, as I would have convinced myself that without a doubt, every one of my co-workers Christmas photo-shoot costume was going to be EPIC.

And it would have been such a misplacement of my mental energy and my time.

I’m glad she’s not like I was. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff, which I have done at a high level of proficiency for the majority of my adult life.

Readers, don’t be surprised if you see more posts than usual from me this month. I’ve got Christmas on the brain and my hope is that unloading it in this space will be a jolly little treat to go with your egg nog.

Fa-la-la-la-la folks!

***Header image courtesy of https://wjbq.com/why-is-dolly-on-the-island-of-misfit-toys-whats-wrong-with-her/***

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Curiosity, Fear, Irony, Overthinking, Self-Reflection, SocialAnxiety

This Time I Have a Question For You

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Why do you blog?

Let me explain where this question comes from.

My blogging anxiety these days is hitting an all-time high. I started a series, here, the 4th installment of what you are reading now, entitled “I Have Questions”. I’m terrible at promoting myself but I know it’s part of the deal if I want to grow my following and make something more of this blogging thing. In that spirit, here’s the first, second, and third post in my series.

I fear I may have inadvertently set myself up for failure by starting this series. It came from a good and curious place, but I didn’t think it through. Questions? We all have questions, right? What those questions are can’t be forced, which is what I’ve been struggling with. Which I think is ridiculous.

I published a post in March of 2021, when I was working still. It was about why I blog. And I missed some things in that post. I didn’t go deep enough.

It’s still true that I blog for the connections I make and the things I learn along the way in the blogosphere. And yes, I still blog because the feedback I often get is validating and gives me warm fuzzies.

I now have more followers than I did then so it seemed right to me to ponder the question again, with the hope that you will all join in. Posing this question now also gives me an opportunity to tell you all, from my heart, why I have kept this up.

The primary reason I blog, or more specifically, write, is because it’s much more comfortable for me to find the words and write them out than it is for me to find the words and use my voice to speak them out loud. Especially when I have a lot to say, which you all know I do.

When I was younger and had an argument with someone, often I’d be so upset that all I could do was cry. I couldn’t form the words or turn off the tears easily. So I would grab a notebook and write it all out. Sometimes I’d craft it into a letter that I’d give to the person who had upset me so. Often the act of writing it down had to be enough because I believed sharing it with them would not be welcome or understood.

While I love being around people and having meaningful conversations, it gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel embarrassed if others eyes are on me, which results in me tripping over or mispronouncing words, or I freeze mid-sentence and lose whatever train of thought I was riding on. Writing is easier. No one is looking at me while I do it, waiting for me to get to the damn point already.

I recognize the irony here, however. The irony of being so self-conscious when conversing with others that I don’t show up as well as I want to; yet here I am, telling so much of my business on the internet where literally anyone can see it. And judge me.

Maybe I’m crazy. Probably. Because I’m sticking with the blogging thing, including my “I Have Questions” series.

It still feels right to me.

So, again, I ask: why do you blog?

Anxiety, Blogging, Fashion, Lifestyle, Music, Planning, Positivity

Leaning Into Spring Organizing

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Yesterday went differently than I intended. I really am ok with that. I actually enjoyed myself.

I had mistakenly believed that I needed 1 1/2 hours, max, to put away the winteriest clothes in my closet. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

So, surprisingly (not), it took me upwards of 4 hours.

Because it turns out that I still possessed a buttload of Spring and Summer, mostly recycled (approximately70% of which I purchased at thrift stores) garments.

You know, items that I can start wearing relatively soon. It made no sense to only pull out my winter sweaters and heavy long pants and put them away. After all, the Spring/Summer wardrobe was taking up room in bins and old suitcases stored in one of our basement closets.

Taking those lighter, happy-hued pieces out of the bins was necessary to have room for the winter stuff. And, clothes horse that I am, I will no doubt be schlepping myself to a local thrift store before too long.

I’m kind of addicted to them. Thrifting makes me happy.

Inspired by the still-quite-chilly-out there-yet-the-grass-is-green, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining vibe, I leaned into the task. I got some exercise by going up and down the basement stairs like a dozen times. I listened to music, which I streamed on my ‘lil Nest. It was a chill, all-Current from MPR kinda afternoon.

Of course, I tried a lot of items on for size. Fortunately, much of it still fit. That which didn’t or that which no longer held any appeal to me, I tossed to the side. To sell in my garage sale in June.

My intention when I woke up yesterday morning, in addition to putting away those winter clothes, was to spend time working on my next blog post. Behind the scenes here these last few weeks, I’ve been writing a lot.

However, the anxiety about what specifically I was going to blog about this week got in my way. Or maybe I let it get in my way. We all have ways we sabotage ourselves, right?

Anyway. Yesterday, the simple act of cleaning out and organizing my wardrobe was good for me. I cleared my head, made progress and got myself pumped up for all that awaits me once Spring starts “springing”.

An array of veggies Hubs got started for our gardens
Anxiety, Blogging, Clarity, Honesty, Life, Time Management

A is for Accountability

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After much deliberation, I have decided not to participate in this year’s April A-Z blogging challenge.

How about the rest of you, my blogger friends? Are you participating?

I realize I may regret it, especially once I start reading all the creative posts from others that come out of it.

But the thing is, I cannot commit. I’m seeing that right now, getting stuff done has got to be a bigger priority than a fun blogging challenge.

I just am not in a position to give it my all. And I’ve got shit to do.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t play around a bit with the alphabet, following my creative whims.

That is why you are reading this post from me today about accountability.

It’s a big, important word, right?

It’s so satisfying to see others who have done wrong being held accountable for their dirty deeds, isn’t it? Like what is just now beginning to happen to our former president.

In “Atlas of the Heart”, Brene Brown describes that feeling of satisfaction when someone gets what’s coming to them, as “schadenfreude”. It’s defined by her as “pleasure of joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune”.

It’s not necessarily satisfying though to hold ourselves accountable, or God Forbid, to be held accountable in other people’s view. It’s hard. It’s fucking uncomfortable. You might worry that you are over-promising (which I would have been doing if I declared I was participating in the A to Z challenge). You might struggle with determining what it is exactly that you personally need to be accountable for. You might be overwhelmed by it. You may let yourself and others down in the process.

Like I said, it’s a big word. Maybe I should have gone with my second choice: “A is for Asinine”. That certainly would have been easier.

I think the word “accountability” goes hand in hand with the word “character”. It’s all about holding ourselves as well as others to a certain standard of decency. It means holding others responsible for ethical missteps, and holding ourselves personally responsible for ours.

One thing that I am currently holding myself accountable for is my garage sale project. Thankfully, I got myself some reinforcements with this (reinforcements would certainly be my “R is for” post if I did the challenge this year) project. I learned last weekend that my next door neighbor just retired. And she’s eager to find things to do with her time, even asking me if it’s “ok” if she helps with it.

So, “doing” is the bigger priority for me now.

Excuse me while I take the rest of the day to resume my journey of going through more of my worldly possessions to determine what’s going up for sale next month.

I’ll be back in this space next week.

Anxiety, Blogging, Emotions, Hope, Life, Mental Health, Moods, Self-Reflection, Time

On Being a WIP and Melancholy

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You know, sometimes I feel like I could lose my mind. There’s just so much going on in this head of mine. I can sense the tears but they rarely come out.

Whew.

I don’t think I’m depressed per se. I’m just mixed up. Feeling like I’m wandering and unable to sort out where I’m going. Very much like I’m caught up in the space I’m in, yet certain that there’s something new on the horizon waiting for me to jump into it.

I think there’s something to a new concept I read about this morning online: purpose anxiety. Or maybe it’s a diagnosis. I think I have it. I think this “gap year” I’m in is similar to the other one that I had in that I get to a point where I’ve got too much time on my hands. Yet I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything of value. Like I ought to be using my time more wisely.

Meloncholy resonates with me today. I googled the word to gain a better understanding of it’s meaning and came upon this definition by Emily Brady at the University of Michigan (link here)”melancholy is something we desire from time to time, for it provides an opportunity for indulgent self-reflection. We enjoy this time out for reflection, but the pleasure is also connected to recollecting that which we long for, which this reflective element can be even exhilirating or uplifting.”

It’s also full on winter here in Minnesconsin, which is something I haven’t experienced in the last 7 years. There’s snow everywhere you look and it’s so cold out there. It pushes me to hibernate.

Some of the parts about hibernating I actually like. Such as watching t.v. on my couch, especially if Radar chooses to be my cuddle buddy. Reading; though most of the reading I do these days is other people’s blog posts or NPR. I’ve been re-reading “Atlas of the Heart”, by Brene Brown, which I need to get back to as it’s been a few days. It’s such an important book to me. One I treasure. One of the few books I’ve read that has actually altered my perspective and, I think, improved the way I relate to others. It’s a keeper.

Yes, I recently published a blog post in which I listed all of the things I do just for fun. That feels a little ironic to me as I pour myself out here and now. Yet I stand by that post. I am of the mind that having fun, along with having something to look forward to, is very underrated in American culture.

That said, and I say this with the intention of pushing myself forward, I’m going to take the time to lay out some things I can do, actions I can take to just get on with it. To push through this little slump I’m in. I know it’s temporary.

I’m a WIP (Work in Progress), you’re a WIP, we’re all WIPs, right?

Progress, not perfection.

***Header image courtesy of https://lifeism.co/aesthetic-quotes-that-will-center-you-for-the-day

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Creative Writing, Employment, Humor, Self Improvement

Ambition, Anxiety, and 2023

10 Comments

I am just one of a multitude of personal bloggers out there in the world. But I think what makes me unique is that I’m saddled with a complex that comedian Michelle Wolf is at least partially responsible for.

During a stand up special I watched a while back, she said something to the effect of “So you tell me you have a blog, right?”. She makes a weird face, then continues with “Oh, that’s cute. You write stuff about yourself and your life that nobody wants to read but you put it out there anyway? Good for you!” This, from my recollection, was said with a big fat smirk on her cute little curly headed face.

Don’t get me a wrong-I got over her chipmunk-ey voice enough to enjoy her comedy. She has that quality that, to me, marks a truly great comedian: she pushes boundaries and speaks uncomfortable truths. And I applaud her sensible yet hip footwear choices.

But…..ouch! I resemble her remarks.

I am curious though; can anyone else relate to the feeling of being called out like this? Totally rational as it was not a one on one conversation I had with Ms. Wolf here, right? Like being seen for who you are, but not in a good way, making you want to immediately crawl back into the hole of complete social obscurity?

If this sounds like you, please share your stories in the comments. Commiserating with you all is a huge perk for me as a blogger.

Moving on (oblivious of course to the possibility that I’m simply proving Michelle Wolf right).

I blogged in this space pretty sporadically in 2022. I blogged about the massive changes the year brought for me and my family, some aspects getting more emphasis than others. This year, I’ve shared my political opinions. I’ve talked about my grandson in this space.

For those of you who have read what I wrote in this space in 2022 and chose to come back and read more and/or gave me a follow, I thank you so very much for that. It’s appreciated.

2023 is now upon us.

I’ve got a lot of ambition when it comes to blogging and writing. I am certain that if I don’t step it up now, I won’t ever get to wherever it is that I’m supposed to be as a creative writing enthusiast.

So, 2023 is the year in which I step things up.

Baby steps, of course. But like, a ton of them.

Step #1 is to publish blog posts more frequently.

Leaning into learning is what I’ll be doing in the new year, in tandem with blogging. Gobbling up more self-help books. Taking online courses and following threads that pique my curiosity. Improving my photography skills. Gaining more knowledge about child psychology. Stuff like that. Learning about the things that I can use for good, if that makes sense.

I’ve also got a plan to improve my health by sharpening my culinary skills and keeping a food diary. I will be pursuing paid employment in 2023 as well, because at 55 I’m not interested in retiring yet. Exploring all employment options (self, at home, in a store or a non-profit) and blogging about it along the way will be happening.

The caveat for me is that going into 2023, I will continue watching my grandson most weekday afternoons. To make any headway on these plans of mine, I need to summon a great amount of self-discipline. My days will need to become more structured. I do have a plan for that. It starts with having a better sleep schedule and a set time for blogging related stuff every day.

2023 feels bright and shiny to me right now. That’s probably due to my optimistic nature. I am self-aware enough though to know the shine of the new year will fade over time. Bumps in the road will happen, as they do. I (and you) ought to remain nimble to overcome and adjust.

I realize this post was a lot. If you’re still reading this, well, thanks Pal.

You are the best.

**pic of Michelle Wolf wearing cool shoes courtesy of https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/michelle_wolf_joke_show**

**HNY image courtesy of https://www.rd.com/article/new-year-wishes/**

American Politics, Anxiety, Climate Change, MidTermElections2022, Voting

Vote, Vote, Vote!

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I’m just one vote.

Each one of us, here in America, are but just one vote.

Let’s get over that, shall we? Because if there’s justenough of those with the “I’m just one vote” mindset who uses that as their free pass to sit one out this week here in the U.S., we are doomed.

In my opinion, anyway. Not that you asked for it, but you know I’m going to give it regardless. This is my blog and the mid-term elections are going to be consequential.

What is your plan to vote this election season? Before work, after work, on your lunch break? After you drop the kids off at school or first thing in the morning? Or maybe you’re ahead of me and have already voted absentee or via mail in ballot. If you don’t have a plan, please, for the love of American democracy, make one now. One that will work for you, whatever your circumstances may be.

Time is of the damn essence here, friends. Our future, and more importantly, the future of generations under us (for me, that’s Milennials and Gen Z) is on the fucking line.

Anyway, that’s how I see it.

I am voting straight blue, so that:

  • Roe v. Wade can (finally) be codified into law. It just blows my mind that SCOTUS took women’s bodily autonomy away from them after 50 years.
  • More will be done legislatively to address gun violence in this nation.
  • Climate change can be comprehensively addressed, providing scores of American workers with jobs in the clean energy field and protecting Mother Earth against further destruction.
  • We have a shot at leveling the playing field when it comes to taxes; the rich paying their fair share and the not-so-rich getting fair tax breaks.
  • Social Security, not an entitlement program, but one we all pay into as workers, will remain in place.
  • Our LGBTQ+ citizens can retain their right to marry and adopt children.
  • American educational institutions will be supported and not become further eroded.
  • Access to health care can expand and costs can be reined in so our seniors and others with health issues can afford their prescription meds and co-pays. No one in this country should have to choose between paying their utility bill or getting their health care needs met.

I’m nervous as hell about these mid-term elections. I suspect some of you are as well.

Let’s all do our part and get to the polls on Tuesday!