Category Archives: Anxiety

America, American Politics, Anxiety, Creative Writing, Fashion, GenX, Optimism, Psychology, Words

Re-Re-Re: Considering Red, Number 7

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Today’s entry is a pondering of yet another word that begins with “re”, my favorite prefix.

That word is “reconsider“. What comes up in your mind when you read this word? Perhaps something you might want to reconsider? A chance to go back and change your mind about trying something? To “un-chicken out”?

This fall, I put myself in the most uncomfortable position by participating in my first virtual writer’s meet-up. Let me tell you, there’s a reason you don’t see me posting videos of myself giving you advice or telling you all what I think about something. I am an absolute mess when it comes to having to use my actual literal voice to interact with others. I get so freaking nervous. And my messiness is a good 800% higher when this interaction is with people I don’t know IRL.

But, I got through it. I perservered. And I was witness to a story told by another participant in which she relayed a recent experience she had while wandering through Paris (she was living there on a short term basis with her husband-how cool is that?). She focused on being present while meandering through the streets of gay Paris, and she said she noticed the funniest thing: the color red. It seemed to pop up everywhere, and in particular, in the pants worn by Parisians. It completely delighted her. And her telling of this story in turn delighted me.

That got me thinking more deeply about the symbolism of the color red. Like the MAGA movement and how this faction of the American populace has claimed this color as part of their brand (of course this began with the Republican party, like the Dems have comandeered the color blue). I hate those dumb red ball caps I sometimes see people wear that bear the catchphrase borrowed from the Reagan era by the Trump crowd. I cringe inside as I process the disappointment I feel in humanity when some fool opts to wear one of these ridiculous ball caps in public spaces. Fortunately, sightings of these red ball caps are few and far between these days as fans of the President are becoming more disillusioned every day.

But obviously there’s more to the color red than a political party and movement that doesn’t align with my values, so I’m going to reconsider it.

I recently heard someone say that red is a color that is universally flattering (depending of course on the undertones). And then there were the red hats I saw online worn by people in Minneapolis protesting against ICE’s Metro Surge. These were a different sort of red hat though-a knitted hat that’s pattern originated in Norway (hey-my DNA results say I’m 4% Norwegian!). They were worn by Nazi resisters when Nazis occupied Norway in the early 40’s. And then there’s the warmer shade of red seen in tomatoes I am eager to get started in the new raised bed garden Mr. NOA plans to build this spring. And that cheery red rose bush we planted last spring, which, before long, will be blooming. There really is a lot to appreciate about the color red.

Isn’t it fascinating to think of the ways in which particular colors evoke emotions and psychological responses? Check out this interesting article I found about the psychology of color. What thoughts and feelings come up when you consider the color red?

I’m off to see what options I may find for red pants online now.

I will leave you with a song I heard a few nights ago, on https://www.thecurrent.org/, while I was working on this blog post. I share it because I think it’s fan-freaking tastic but also because I thought “Red Rain” by Peter Gabriel was a bit dark for this conversation and “99 Luft (Red) Balloons” is just not on my highlight reel of songs from my youth in the 80s.

So, just stop and listen to this one. It’s fire!, as (I think) the kids say.

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Inspiration, Life, Mindset, Overthinking

Defecate or Disembark

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Or, as my Dad used to say, “shit or get off the pot”.

That’s how I feel sometimes about blogging, among other things.

I’ve always been a person with a thousand ideas in my head, often at the same time. This makes it challenging to make decisions, which leads to anxiety. I suppose that’s why making “to-do” lists on the regular works for me. I have a mission written in black and white, and all I have to do is follow it.

The “to-do” list method doesn’t exactly work for creating blog posts, however. Writing blog posts is far more nuanced than doing a load of laundry and checking it off my list. There’s thought that goes into it. Oftentimes, for better or worse, too much thought (hence the reason if you are a regular follower of this blog, you may notice there’s sometimes long pauses between posts).

But then, sometimes anyway, I get to the point where I’ve had enough of all of this overthinking. Enough of the brain chatter I’ve been marinating in.

Surely I am not alone in this quagmire of indecisiveness.

Perhaps for you it’s a decision about going on that vacation you’ve been pondering for months. Or if you should take that class that piqued your interest. Or something simpler like if you are going to buy that snazzy new coat you saw at your favorite department store. Whatever it is that gets you hemming and hawing ad naseum.

Don’t you just get so tired of it? I do.

Let me give you an example from my personal life. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t have it in me to be apolitical. Until recently, my apolitical-ness has been shared on occasion via this blog and other social media platforms. Earlier this month, I decided to put myself out there and “walk the talk” as they say. Twice I volunteered to canvass in my community for the Democrat party. I got off the “pot” and did my best to embrace the discomfort of knocking on strangers’ doors to advocate voting for Harris/Walz and the Democrats down ballot. It felt good to do so.

I aim to do more of this in other areas of my life, because making a decision and then taking action on that decision, while scary, is empowering. Staying in my head and not actually doing anything to express what’s in there does not move me forward.

I think it’s wise to remember the lyrics from the band Rush’s song “Freewill”: “if you choose to not decide, you still have made a choice”.

Seems pretty fitting in a lot of cases in this life, don’t you think? Not making a choice leads to inertia and stagnancy. It doesn’t move us forward at all. It just holds us back.

What “pot” do you need to unload on or choose to disembark from in your life?

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Creative Writing, Fun, Inspiration, Life, Overthinking, Personal Growth, Self-Reflection

F is for Fun!

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Let me start this post by acknowledging that I haven’t published a single blog post since March. I inadvertently gave myself a bit of a time-out. I’ve been working things out in my head in regards to this writing-out-loud thing called blogging. As an anxious people-pleasing overthinker, I imagine this will continue until the end of time.

I started writing what follows a few weeks ago.

Fun, for me at the moment, is working through the alphabet one little-post-that-may-never-see-the-light-of-day at a time. A self-assigned creative writing exercise, inspired by the “A to Z” blogging challenge. I’m just going at my own pace like the squirtoise I am, and purposefully not overthinking. Just going with the very first word that comes into this brain of mine, starting with the letter “A”.

I am curious, blogger and writing friends, do you also create writing challenges for yourself? If so, please share them with me in the comments!

The one thing that has always compelled me to write is because I find it to be so much fun. Stringing words together that capture how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about tickles me. It’s a challenge for my brain that lights me up from the inside. And the possibility that someone out there in the universe (or blogosphere at least) might relate to the things I’m saying through my writing fuels me.

In tandem with my A-Z writing game, I’m working out (still, after 7 years of blogging) how important this blog is to me. I think I’ve been giving it more of my mental energy than is wise. When I factor in working (albeit part time), nurturing my personal relationships, taking care of our house and yard, and working on myself (remember, “Growth” is my WOTY and I’m sticking with it), blogging is not my highest priority. Not like it should ever be.

Now, this isn’t me saying “I quit!” by any means. It’s me challenging the rules I have put on myself as an amatuer writer with a blog. Examples: must I publish something every single week? If so, why? So, I may or may not publish something next week.

I leave you with a song that means a lot to me. It has spoken to me since the first time I heard it. As a 57 year-old here on planet Earth in the year 2024 who is perpetually searching for ways to bloom and grow, I find it very inspiring. I hope you do too!

Anxiety, Blogging, Climate Change, Life, Optimism, Spirituality

Pushing Out of a Blogging Funk

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I’ve been feeling funky lately, particularly when it comes to this blog. I’ve got all of these tabs open in my brain with all the things I want to accomplish and I’ve been finding it hard to sit down and focus on this blog. To just write something already.

I’m at the point where it’s likely if I don’t write something now and put it out there into the universe I’ll slink back into myself and end up abandoning this blogging venture for a good long while.

It’s not that I’m not writing anything. It’s just that I’m not writing anything that is for public consumption. Is this an example of that? Could be.

Anyway, all is well and (my) life is good and all of that. Really.

It’s just that I’m in a weird transitional sort of period of time at the moment. It’s basically been spring all winter here in Minnesconsin. The water is open in our lake. But it’s supposed to feel like winter and it doesn’t. We even saw our first robin outside our big picture window the other day. Climate change is real, folks.

There’s also other real things happening out there in the world that trouble me. Things I pray about every day, like the wars happening in the Ukraine and the Middle East. People I once knew dying. People I don’t know at all dying for no good reason. The great inequities in this country, where the uber rich are allowed to not pay their fair share while the rest of the population works their fingers to the bone to barely make ends meet. And so much more.

I assure you that I believe there is hope that good and right, democracy and justice will prevail in the end.

It’s just the “getting there” part that has me feeling anxious.

I promise that my next blog post will be more free-wheeling and upbeat, as that is how I want to keep rolling. My optimistic nature is still underneath all this “yuck”.

Anxiety, Christmas, family, Grandparenting, Holiday Traditions

The Old Christmas Card Tradition

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I’ve been stressing about the whole Christmas card situation. Every single year, I am talking at least 25 years of my adult life, I have taken the time to create a greeting card online using photos of me with Mr. None of the Above, the kids, the grandkid, and our dog. Mr. None of the Above and I usually wrangle a bit over it, as we often can’t agree on what pictures to use and how they should be positioned on the card. It’s honestly the least favorite “tradition” of Christmas for me. I really don’t want to even do it this year.

I feel guilty about that. I absolutely love receiving all the cards we get from friends and family, near and far, each year. It’s a treat to see these cards come in the mail. I love putting them up for display and then sharing stories about the people in them with friends and family that drop by. And I keep them all. I’ve got them mixed in the boxes of Christmas doo-dads in the basement. I can’t say why exactly I have kept them. I guess it’s guilt? Or my nostalgic nature?

Perhaps I could re-purpose these cards, by cutting out the pretty parts that don’t include the actual people and make a huge collage? That sounds like a lot of fun. Time-consuming, but fun, right? Maybe that’s something my grandson and I can do together.

Yes, I did just get on Pinterest and boy, oh boy, there’s a plethora of arts and crafts one can create with old Christmas cards.

I think where I’m landing with this (first world) “dilemma” is to send “Happy New Years” cards instead. It’s already 12/10 and if I tried to order Christmas cards now I’d barely get them in time to send out. I think, for now, I’ll concentrate on my other Christmas tasks, like baking cookies, finishing up the present shopping, and wrapping said presents.

Ordering “Happy New Years” cards can wait a week, maybe even two.

Now, there’s some folks on my Christmas card list who I suspect only send us a Christmas card in response to the one we send to them. Like they feel obligated to reciprocate. Mr. None of the Above and I sending out Happy New Years cards might throw them off. I wonder if they’ll just grab one of their leftover Christmas cards and send it to us in response? No shame on them, honestly. I think it’d be hilarious actually. Here it is, January 8th, and I’m getting a Christmas card from someone. Right?!

How about you, my fellow Season’s greetings card givers and/or recipients? How do you “do” this aspect of the Holiday season?

A little blast from our family’s Christmas card past:

***Header image courtesy of https://inamatchbox.com/blogs/news/41-funny-christmas-messages-to-write-in-a-card***

Adult children, Anxiety, Baking, Christmas, Humor, Joy

Christmas Cookies and Not Sweating the Small Stuff

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As I write this, it’s 1 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon and I’m in the Christmas cookie zone, relaxing to instrumental Christmas music on my Google Nest.

But here’s where my head was the Sunday before last. Call it a little peek into my “Christmas brain”, if you will:

I need to start somewhere, so I’ll start with the cookie planning:

I would like to make:

  • Spritz
  • Cherry Almond cookies from last year
  • Santa’s whiskers
  • PB Truffles
  • Snickerdoodles
  • Chocolate covered pretzel rods

And maybe another kind of two. Oh, the cherry snowballs for sure! I’ve got six days designated on our calendar to get this done.

Then there’s the decorating. I am especially psyched for this endeavor.

But my beautiful daughter is on her way to pick me up for a spontaneous shopping trip and I’m still in my bathrobe. So I gotta split for now.

Same day, just p.m.

Today was great! I enjoyed eating a hearty lunch with my first-born at Barker’s in Hudson. We had fun shopping together. I love that she’s going as the rag doll from the Land of Misfit Toys from Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, for a work photo shoot next week. But it was hard to find the “costume”. She is not worried about it though.

There’s an important difference between the two of us. Good on her. She’s not like me in this way. Had I, at her age, been given a directive to come up with such a costume for a work situation, well..I’d be freaking out. I’d probably still be out there, searching to no avail for all the right pieces to bring that damn dolly to life.

Because it would have mattered to me, then. I would have fretted about the impression I was giving my employer by coming up short on this task, as I would have convinced myself that without a doubt, every one of my co-workers Christmas photo-shoot costume was going to be EPIC.

And it would have been such a misplacement of my mental energy and my time.

I’m glad she’s not like I was. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff, which I have done at a high level of proficiency for the majority of my adult life.

Readers, don’t be surprised if you see more posts than usual from me this month. I’ve got Christmas on the brain and my hope is that unloading it in this space will be a jolly little treat to go with your egg nog.

Fa-la-la-la-la folks!

***Header image courtesy of https://wjbq.com/why-is-dolly-on-the-island-of-misfit-toys-whats-wrong-with-her/***

Ambition, Anxiety, Blogging, Curiosity, Fear, Irony, Overthinking, Self-Reflection, SocialAnxiety

This Time I Have a Question For You

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Why do you blog?

Let me explain where this question comes from.

My blogging anxiety these days is hitting an all-time high. I started a series, here, the 4th installment of what you are reading now, entitled “I Have Questions”. I’m terrible at promoting myself but I know it’s part of the deal if I want to grow my following and make something more of this blogging thing. In that spirit, here’s the first, second, and third post in my series.

I fear I may have inadvertently set myself up for failure by starting this series. It came from a good and curious place, but I didn’t think it through. Questions? We all have questions, right? What those questions are can’t be forced, which is what I’ve been struggling with. Which I think is ridiculous.

I published a post in March of 2021, when I was working still. It was about why I blog. And I missed some things in that post. I didn’t go deep enough.

It’s still true that I blog for the connections I make and the things I learn along the way in the blogosphere. And yes, I still blog because the feedback I often get is validating and gives me warm fuzzies.

I now have more followers than I did then so it seemed right to me to ponder the question again, with the hope that you will all join in. Posing this question now also gives me an opportunity to tell you all, from my heart, why I have kept this up.

The primary reason I blog, or more specifically, write, is because it’s much more comfortable for me to find the words and write them out than it is for me to find the words and use my voice to speak them out loud. Especially when I have a lot to say, which you all know I do.

When I was younger and had an argument with someone, often I’d be so upset that all I could do was cry. I couldn’t form the words or turn off the tears easily. So I would grab a notebook and write it all out. Sometimes I’d craft it into a letter that I’d give to the person who had upset me so. Often the act of writing it down had to be enough because I believed sharing it with them would not be welcome or understood.

While I love being around people and having meaningful conversations, it gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel embarrassed if others eyes are on me, which results in me tripping over or mispronouncing words, or I freeze mid-sentence and lose whatever train of thought I was riding on. Writing is easier. No one is looking at me while I do it, waiting for me to get to the damn point already.

I recognize the irony here, however. The irony of being so self-conscious when conversing with others that I don’t show up as well as I want to; yet here I am, telling so much of my business on the internet where literally anyone can see it. And judge me.

Maybe I’m crazy. Probably. Because I’m sticking with the blogging thing, including my “I Have Questions” series.

It still feels right to me.

So, again, I ask: why do you blog?

Anxiety, Blogging, Fashion, Lifestyle, Music, Planning, Positivity

Leaning Into Spring Organizing

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Yesterday went differently than I intended. I really am ok with that. I actually enjoyed myself.

I had mistakenly believed that I needed 1 1/2 hours, max, to put away the winteriest clothes in my closet. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

So, surprisingly (not), it took me upwards of 4 hours.

Because it turns out that I still possessed a buttload of Spring and Summer, mostly recycled (approximately70% of which I purchased at thrift stores) garments.

You know, items that I can start wearing relatively soon. It made no sense to only pull out my winter sweaters and heavy long pants and put them away. After all, the Spring/Summer wardrobe was taking up room in bins and old suitcases stored in one of our basement closets.

Taking those lighter, happy-hued pieces out of the bins was necessary to have room for the winter stuff. And, clothes horse that I am, I will no doubt be schlepping myself to a local thrift store before too long.

I’m kind of addicted to them. Thrifting makes me happy.

Inspired by the still-quite-chilly-out there-yet-the-grass-is-green, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining vibe, I leaned into the task. I got some exercise by going up and down the basement stairs like a dozen times. I listened to music, which I streamed on my ‘lil Nest. It was a chill, all-Current from MPR kinda afternoon.

Of course, I tried a lot of items on for size. Fortunately, much of it still fit. That which didn’t or that which no longer held any appeal to me, I tossed to the side. To sell in my garage sale in June.

My intention when I woke up yesterday morning, in addition to putting away those winter clothes, was to spend time working on my next blog post. Behind the scenes here these last few weeks, I’ve been writing a lot.

However, the anxiety about what specifically I was going to blog about this week got in my way. Or maybe I let it get in my way. We all have ways we sabotage ourselves, right?

Anyway. Yesterday, the simple act of cleaning out and organizing my wardrobe was good for me. I cleared my head, made progress and got myself pumped up for all that awaits me once Spring starts “springing”.

An array of veggies Hubs got started for our gardens
Anxiety, Blogging, Clarity, Honesty, Life, Time Management

A is for Accountability

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After much deliberation, I have decided not to participate in this year’s April A-Z blogging challenge.

How about the rest of you, my blogger friends? Are you participating?

I realize I may regret it, especially once I start reading all the creative posts from others that come out of it.

But the thing is, I cannot commit. I’m seeing that right now, getting stuff done has got to be a bigger priority than a fun blogging challenge.

I just am not in a position to give it my all. And I’ve got shit to do.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t play around a bit with the alphabet, following my creative whims.

That is why you are reading this post from me today about accountability.

It’s a big, important word, right?

It’s so satisfying to see others who have done wrong being held accountable for their dirty deeds, isn’t it? Like what is just now beginning to happen to our former president.

In “Atlas of the Heart”, Brene Brown describes that feeling of satisfaction when someone gets what’s coming to them, as “schadenfreude”. It’s defined by her as “pleasure of joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune”.

It’s not necessarily satisfying though to hold ourselves accountable, or God Forbid, to be held accountable in other people’s view. It’s hard. It’s fucking uncomfortable. You might worry that you are over-promising (which I would have been doing if I declared I was participating in the A to Z challenge). You might struggle with determining what it is exactly that you personally need to be accountable for. You might be overwhelmed by it. You may let yourself and others down in the process.

Like I said, it’s a big word. Maybe I should have gone with my second choice: “A is for Asinine”. That certainly would have been easier.

I think the word “accountability” goes hand in hand with the word “character”. It’s all about holding ourselves as well as others to a certain standard of decency. It means holding others responsible for ethical missteps, and holding ourselves personally responsible for ours.

One thing that I am currently holding myself accountable for is my garage sale project. Thankfully, I got myself some reinforcements with this (reinforcements would certainly be my “R is for” post if I did the challenge this year) project. I learned last weekend that my next door neighbor just retired. And she’s eager to find things to do with her time, even asking me if it’s “ok” if she helps with it.

So, “doing” is the bigger priority for me now.

Excuse me while I take the rest of the day to resume my journey of going through more of my worldly possessions to determine what’s going up for sale next month.

I’ll be back in this space next week.

Anxiety, Blogging, Emotions, Hope, Life, Mental Health, Moods, Self-Reflection, Time

On Being a WIP and Melancholy

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You know, sometimes I feel like I could lose my mind. There’s just so much going on in this head of mine. I can sense the tears but they rarely come out.

Whew.

I don’t think I’m depressed per se. I’m just mixed up. Feeling like I’m wandering and unable to sort out where I’m going. Very much like I’m caught up in the space I’m in, yet certain that there’s something new on the horizon waiting for me to jump into it.

I think there’s something to a new concept I read about this morning online: purpose anxiety. Or maybe it’s a diagnosis. I think I have it. I think this “gap year” I’m in is similar to the other one that I had in that I get to a point where I’ve got too much time on my hands. Yet I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything of value. Like I ought to be using my time more wisely.

Meloncholy resonates with me today. I googled the word to gain a better understanding of it’s meaning and came upon this definition by Emily Brady at the University of Michigan (link here)”melancholy is something we desire from time to time, for it provides an opportunity for indulgent self-reflection. We enjoy this time out for reflection, but the pleasure is also connected to recollecting that which we long for, which this reflective element can be even exhilirating or uplifting.”

It’s also full on winter here in Minnesconsin, which is something I haven’t experienced in the last 7 years. There’s snow everywhere you look and it’s so cold out there. It pushes me to hibernate.

Some of the parts about hibernating I actually like. Such as watching t.v. on my couch, especially if Radar chooses to be my cuddle buddy. Reading; though most of the reading I do these days is other people’s blog posts or NPR. I’ve been re-reading “Atlas of the Heart”, by Brene Brown, which I need to get back to as it’s been a few days. It’s such an important book to me. One I treasure. One of the few books I’ve read that has actually altered my perspective and, I think, improved the way I relate to others. It’s a keeper.

Yes, I recently published a blog post in which I listed all of the things I do just for fun. That feels a little ironic to me as I pour myself out here and now. Yet I stand by that post. I am of the mind that having fun, along with having something to look forward to, is very underrated in American culture.

That said, and I say this with the intention of pushing myself forward, I’m going to take the time to lay out some things I can do, actions I can take to just get on with it. To push through this little slump I’m in. I know it’s temporary.

I’m a WIP (Work in Progress), you’re a WIP, we’re all WIPs, right?

Progress, not perfection.

***Header image courtesy of https://lifeism.co/aesthetic-quotes-that-will-center-you-for-the-day